This is a post I have been toying with writing for a while. First of all, let me say, all is looking good with Gatlin. Please forgive me for not updating after my last appt. His heart looks good and he is growing like he should be. All in all, dare I say he is healthy?
Fear is something I have been struggling with for sometime... years really. The ironic thing is my biggest fear, I think I mentioned this before of Maxton's blog, is that I will lose a loved one. This has already happened.... in a way, despite all the different scenarios I had played out in my head, I had never thought about losing a child. Yet, he came, blessed us with his existence, and then went home with God. It still hurts. Every day it hurts. And for those who say that time "heals" all wounds, I will disagree. Time heals nothing. God heals wounds, but the pain of missing sometimes stays and I can say that I don't think there will ever be a day when I do not think of his sweet face. Most of these days I smile, and think about what might have been... I am not bitter. I just miss my baby.
Alright, back to this topic of fear. Despite my best efforts, fear sometimes consume me. Which leads me to my struggle. I suppose I struggle with faith. My mind knows that God is God and God is good and at times my faith in that is strong. I know that God has good plans for me as stated in the bible (Jeremiah, I am fairly certain) but this earthly brain of mind continues to have trouble accepting that God's plan is always the best plan.... which leads to fear. I am so fearful that my idea of the best plan is not anywhere close to God's idea. I fear not being in control. I fear that something will go wrong with Gatlin. Sure, he is healthy... but there are so many what if's that at times I let them consumer me. What if he gets the cord wrapped around his neck? What if something happens during labor to me- or him? What is I lose my parents before he gets here? Surely God knows that I need them here with me? Right? But... God knew how much I needed, wanted, longed for my Maxton, and yet he still went home... who is to say that won't happen again- to Gatlin, David, my parents... me?
This fear at times consumes me... and most days I feel like no one understands. At least no one in my immediate life. If David is home 5-10 minutes late from work, my mind starts to wonder... what if? If Gatlin hasn't been kicking much, my mind starts to wonder. Why can't I simply trust that whatever happens, happens because it's God's best plan for me? I want to trust in this, but this stupid FEAR gets in the way.
The sermon at church this past week hit home. For me, it was about my obsession with fear and my lack of courage. The intro to the sermon was about the Wizard of Oz. i cannot say it as eloquently as our preacher, but I think the gist of it is that Dorothy, tin man, scarecrow, and the lion all had to work together to make it to the Wizard. They knew each others "issues" and got though their issues weren't the same, their goal was. To see the wizard. Well, my friends, my "issue" is fear. Like the cowardly lion, I am afraid.... of the unknown. So come, take this journey with me.