Wednesday, June 23, 2010


This is a post I have been toying with writing for a while. First of all, let me say, all is looking good with Gatlin. Please forgive me for not updating after my last appt. His heart looks good and he is growing like he should be. All in all, dare I say he is healthy?

Fear is something I have been struggling with for sometime... years really. The ironic thing is my biggest fear, I think I mentioned this before of Maxton's blog, is that I will lose a loved one. This has already happened.... in a way, despite all the different scenarios I had played out in my head, I had never thought about losing a child. Yet, he came, blessed us with his existence, and then went home with God. It still hurts. Every day it hurts. And for those who say that time "heals" all wounds, I will disagree. Time heals nothing. God heals wounds, but the pain of missing sometimes stays and I can say that I don't think there will ever be a day when I do not think of his sweet face. Most of these days I smile, and think about what might have been... I am not bitter. I just miss my baby.

Alright, back to this topic of fear. Despite my best efforts, fear sometimes consume me. Which leads me to my struggle. I suppose I struggle with faith. My mind knows that God is God and God is good and at times my faith in that is strong. I know that God has good plans for me as stated in the bible (Jeremiah, I am fairly certain) but this earthly brain of mind continues to have trouble accepting that God's plan is always the best plan.... which leads to fear. I am so fearful that my idea of the best plan is not anywhere close to God's idea. I fear not being in control. I fear that something will go wrong with Gatlin. Sure, he is healthy... but there are so many what if's that at times I let them consumer me. What if he gets the cord wrapped around his neck? What if something happens during labor to me- or him? What is I lose my parents before he gets here? Surely God knows that I need them here with me? Right? But... God knew how much I needed, wanted, longed for my Maxton, and yet he still went home... who is to say that won't happen again- to Gatlin, David, my parents... me?

This fear at times consumes me... and most days I feel like no one understands. At least no one in my immediate life. If David is home 5-10 minutes late from work, my mind starts to wonder... what if? If Gatlin hasn't been kicking much, my mind starts to wonder. Why can't I simply trust that whatever happens, happens because it's God's best plan for me? I want to trust in this, but this stupid FEAR gets in the way.

The sermon at church this past week hit home. For me, it was about my obsession with fear and my lack of courage. The intro to the sermon was about the Wizard of Oz. i cannot say it as eloquently as our preacher, but I think the gist of it is that Dorothy, tin man, scarecrow, and the lion all had to work together to make it to the Wizard. They knew each others "issues" and got though their issues weren't the same, their goal was. To see the wizard. Well, my friends, my "issue" is fear. Like the cowardly lion, I am afraid.... of the unknown. So come, take this journey with me.


  1. I find it so interesting that you and another Blogger-mom I follow have posted, on the same day, blogs about the child they didn't get to bring home. :( (She had a miscarriage.)

    She says in her blog: "If I hadn't lost GB, Nellie probably would not be here. I wouldn't have this sweet, precious child in my arms."

    You have a large community of friends, family and even strangers that pray for you and wish nothing but the best. I informed Booty's extended family (parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) about you and Maxton when you were pregnant with him. They have been inquisitive ever since! Booty's mom got excited when I told her you were pregnant with Gatlin!

    I know that fear and worry is a part of being pregnant...every mom can attest to that. (I would freak out if Booty didn't answer his phone.) And I know that you have reason for that extra doubt/fear/worry. You're right when you say that "time heals nothing." I think loss delivers the most unbearable pain.

    Just remember that you've got a lot of people behind you and David, and we're rooting for the most healthiest Gatlin ever!

  2. Oh, Ashley. I can so relate to this post. This was me a couple months back. I'm such a worrier too--always have been always will (even moreso since losing Sylvi). I want you to think of Stella when you feel the fear. Through all my fear and doubt, God delivered me a beautiful healthy baby girl for my rainbow. I know He will do the same for you. You helped me through my fear with all your optimism. I hope to do the same for you. By the way, she rolled over today! Before you know it, Gatlin will be doing the same! And, yes, time heals nothing--it just gives us some scar tissue is all!
    Love you and thinking of you always,
    P.S. I can't wait to post on my FB when you gave Gatlin!!!!! I LOVED that you posted Stella's birth! Thank you for that!

  3. I can relate to the fear for sure! Sometimes it can really get to you!!!

  4. I remember being consumed with fear when I was pregnant with Abby. Then again as she grew through and past her first month of life as I thought of all that Faith had been through. For me it comes in waves. I remember the first time that Abby started to roll over in her sleep. The fear that gripped me was unrelenting. The devil took hold and I couldn't handle it. I ended up crying and praying with the pastor after a service. Left without feeling much peace and thinking "huh, I prayed with the Pastor and God didn't hear me" A few days later God gave me peace that she was going to be okay. Every night I still pray with Abby that God send down four angels to watch over Abby's bedside to keep her safe, healthy, and to sleep well. I pray that fear releases its grip on you. It's not something we want to live with. We already know that things can and do happen to innocent people and babies. We have to let go of that fear, tell the devil to go away. That his fear has no place in your heart or mind.

    I often find my mind wandering imagining horrible and scary scenarios. I have to stop myself and start praying. What good does worrying do anyway?

    Hugs and love to you! Praying that your fears lessen.

    Amy Miles