Pictures by Dana J

These pictures were taken of Gatlin when he was 3 weeks and 2 days old!

The butterfly in some of the pictures is the same one from Maxton's coffin. It is sort of a representation of him here on Earth and I am glad to have a picture that makes me think of my two boys playing together. :-) Thanks to Dana for these awesome pictures!

The things you love...

Gatlin is doing well! I meant to write a post at one month old (he is now 6 weeks old!) to tell of all the things he was doing, but of course, forgot and procrastinated. So... here goes...

Gatlin is growing like a weed. At his one month appt. he weighed 10lb 15oz.! He loves to swing... he even cries a little when he is ansy and wants to swing. At two and a half weeks old he started holding his head up really good! He likes to lay on mommy's chest and look up at her. When in his car seat, he also leans his head like he is looking up... but he is usually asleep! He LOVES to ride in his car seat. He gets really comfy and sleeps most of the time. When he is hungry he cries REALLY loud and it sounds like he is almost saying "hungry" because he says Uhnnnnn GEEE!!!! He smiles sometimes, but so far it's only when he has gas. :-) Right now his eyes are blue and his hair is red. He likes to be awake in the morning right after he eats and in the evening right before bed. Right now, he sleeps about 3 hours at a time per night... sometimes 4. At ten days old he shoved mommy's hand out of the way, and wanted to hold his own bottle... :-) I keep telling him that he is not grown up yet! He likes to suck on his thumb. He is out little super baby! :-)

He's HERE!

So... many of you probably know, but some do not. Gatlin Grant made his way into the world screaming on 9/10/10 at 7:49am. He weighed 9lbs.4 oz. and was 23 inches long!

I had been having contractions on and off for weeks. Sometimes they hurt, sometimes they didn't... but they were usually regular. And just when I thought I should call someone (like L&D) they would stop. So, it was Thursday afternoon (9th) and I had been subbing in a classroom that day. My back had hurt the whole night before and I was fairly uncomfortable, but not having contractions... just back pain. I had night class to get to that started at 4, so I left school around 2:50 and headed for Madisonville- 1 hour away. On the way, I started having contractions. They would start with back pain and work their way around to the front. They were about 5 minutes apart. So, I thought... hmm... could these be the real deal? The back pain with them was new. So when I got to night class, I told my teacher that I had decided if they were still regular at 5, I would be leaving class. They were still regular, so off to the hospital I went. the hospital was another hour drive, so I called my family to meet me there. When I got there, the contractions were about 4 minutes apart... and uncomfortable, but not too painful.

So, after being checked it was determined I was 5cm dialated. I was at a 4 the week before when I went to the doctor. They hooked me up and I was having contractions- slightly painful ones that were about 4 minutes apart. They decided to keep me there- though, I know they thought about sending me home, but since I live so far away, they didn't want me to have to be coming back later.


It was about 10pm and I was admitted- the rest of the night was borin. I stayed aound 5-6cm and my contractions were dying off. The doctor decided around 5:30am when I was 7cm dialated that she would break my water, let me get my epidural, and we would be having a baby sometime late morning, early afternoon. Apparently Gatlin had his own plan because as soon as she broke my water my contractions took off and were super painful. I, being the giant baby I was, was ready for my epi, but I still needed to take in some fluids from the IV first. This was a LONG process and about 7:00am I had taken in the fluids to get the epi. The anesthesiologist came in to do the epi and I was so relieved. My big fear had been not being able to get one. At this point, the contractions were 2-3 mins apart and I was in TONS of pain.

Unfortunately, the epi must not have been put in the right spot because it had zero relief. My legs were not heavy or anything... at this point I was 10cm dialated, so it was too late to do anything. The nurse had the anesthesiologist come back and they tried to give me pain meds, but about 5 minutes later little Gatlin was born! The nurse left the room to get the doctors because he was "high up there" and "we wouldn;t need to push yet", but as soon as she left I had my mom check because I felt like I had to push. Mom yelled for nurse because she could already see Gatlin's head. The nurse came in an held Gatlin's head in while trying to find "any doctor" to come in. A midwife came in. There was no time to set up the bed for delivery or anything, so I began to push. After one or two pushes , my doctor showed up and Gatlin was born.

My first words after seeing him were "He looks just like Max!" See the picture... he really did!

But, as he is "older", I don't see it as much. I think this is a good thing. :-) He is super precious. And no, were are not sure where that hair color came from! hehehe

Update!

I went in for an u/s with the high risk doctor on Tuesday. Everything continues to look well with Gatlin!!! Praise God! He is growing like he should be and right now weighs about 2 lbs. 11ounces. I think he is growing away. I, on the other hand, have not gained any weight the last 4 weeks. I'm eating though, I promise!

The high risk doctor said that unless somethign new arises, he won't need to see me again. I am hopeful that I will have normal remainder of the pregnancy and not need the high risk doctor any more.

I also did my glucose test on Friday. Still waiting for results from that, so we will see. I should be getting the news on Tuesday... which is my birthday! I hope it's good news.

Other than that, not too much to update!

Fear

This is a post I have been toying with writing for a while. First of all, let me say, all is looking good with Gatlin. Please forgive me for not updating after my last appt. His heart looks good and he is growing like he should be. All in all, dare I say he is healthy?

Fear is something I have been struggling with for sometime... years really. The ironic thing is my biggest fear, I think I mentioned this before of Maxton's blog, is that I will lose a loved one. This has already happened.... in a way, despite all the different scenarios I had played out in my head, I had never thought about losing a child. Yet, he came, blessed us with his existence, and then went home with God. It still hurts. Every day it hurts. And for those who say that time "heals" all wounds, I will disagree. Time heals nothing. God heals wounds, but the pain of missing sometimes stays and I can say that I don't think there will ever be a day when I do not think of his sweet face. Most of these days I smile, and think about what might have been... I am not bitter. I just miss my baby.

Alright, back to this topic of fear. Despite my best efforts, fear sometimes consume me. Which leads me to my struggle. I suppose I struggle with faith. My mind knows that God is God and God is good and at times my faith in that is strong. I know that God has good plans for me as stated in the bible (Jeremiah, I am fairly certain) but this earthly brain of mind continues to have trouble accepting that God's plan is always the best plan.... which leads to fear. I am so fearful that my idea of the best plan is not anywhere close to God's idea. I fear not being in control. I fear that something will go wrong with Gatlin. Sure, he is healthy... but there are so many what if's that at times I let them consumer me. What if he gets the cord wrapped around his neck? What if something happens during labor to me- or him? What is I lose my parents before he gets here? Surely God knows that I need them here with me? Right? But... God knew how much I needed, wanted, longed for my Maxton, and yet he still went home... who is to say that won't happen again- to Gatlin, David, my parents... me?

This fear at times consumes me... and most days I feel like no one understands. At least no one in my immediate life. If David is home 5-10 minutes late from work, my mind starts to wonder... what if? If Gatlin hasn't been kicking much, my mind starts to wonder. Why can't I simply trust that whatever happens, happens because it's God's best plan for me? I want to trust in this, but this stupid FEAR gets in the way.

The sermon at church this past week hit home. For me, it was about my obsession with fear and my lack of courage. The intro to the sermon was about the Wizard of Oz. i cannot say it as eloquently as our preacher, but I think the gist of it is that Dorothy, tin man, scarecrow, and the lion all had to work together to make it to the Wizard. They knew each others "issues" and got though their issues weren't the same, their goal was. To see the wizard. Well, my friends, my "issue" is fear. Like the cowardly lion, I am afraid.... of the unknown. So come, take this journey with me.

19 week appt.

On Tuesday, we went in to the high risk doctor (my first visit with him) to do an in depth scan and check for CDH. I also saw his nurse beforehand, and my regular doctor after, which made for a SUPER long day. My u/s appt. was at 12:30, but the actual u/s didn't start until 1:30! I didn't leave the hospital until almost 5:15!!!! It was crazy, but... a good day!

We found out Gatlin is def. a boy.... and he doesn't appear to have CDH!!!! His stomach was right where he was supposed to be and his heart was in the middle of his chest.. and there was a diaphragm separting the areas!!!

I was hoping to get the "all clear", but we still have to go back in 4 weeks on June 1st to have a scan to check Gatlin's heart to make sure it is all good. The doctor said everything he could see looked "good", but that they didn't get a good look at everything and he wants a better look. Also, my placenta was a little low.. not too concerning yet, but something they will be watching.

I am really starting to get excited about Gatlin coming! Don't get me wrong, I've been excited... but cautious. I am starting to get less cautious. :-) I am ready to get in his room and redo his nursery! Right now it is pink/geen with pink carpet, so we have alot of work to do!! Luckily, I only have 14 more days of school/work, then I will have some free time to fix Gatlin's room all up for him!

Gatlin also moves around ALOT. I feel like he moves more than Maxton did... but I am not sure. Maybe I don't remember Max moving too much.... I dunno. Anyways, that's the update...

Enjoy the pictures of our boy. He was so cute during the ultrasound. It lasted about 1 and a 1/2 hours and he was being super cute.... and refused to show his face. The tech kept trying to get pictures of it and he would always have his hand over it. :-) Here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure.



In this one, you can see his face/profile and his hand right over it. :-) Stubborn boy!





This is a front view of Gatlin;s face and you can see his arm of the left covering his eye..... he already hates pictures. hehe

A Sneak Preview

This is what I HOPE that Gatlin's room will look like. Of course, I want all the circles to be actual circles... but something like this. :-) This will be the wall behind his bed and the other walls will be the tan/brown without the dots. We are using construction bedding we had bought for Max, but it is the colors of the dots. I think it will look good and can't wait to start on.... but I do want to make sure it is indeed Gatlin in there. :-)

We go on May 4th for our CDH scan, so keep that date in mind. We will know then if they are thinking boy or girl... but I am betting still boy.

And it's a.....

BOY!!!!! Well, the tech is fairly certain it is a boy. Please let me know if you agree. :-)

If all continues to go well, Gatlin Grant Standifer will be born around mid-late September. We are very excited and I am already working on little things for the nursery. We are planning on using the bedding we had bought for Maxton. I am sure he would want to share with his little brother.

Family update!

Tomorrow it will have been 1 year since burying our first born. We miss him terribly. I am now 13 weeks pregnant and praying everything is fine with this baby. I feel like everything is fine and so far it has been. It's weird... I'm not too worried, yet still have trouble picturing myself bringing a baby home from the hospital. We are excited, yet scared. I'm sure those who have been in this position understand.

Anyways, we plan to use this blog as our life's adventure. I didn't want to continue to update about our new life on Maxton's blog. I want his story to be available for the new CDH families. I know his outcome wasn't "ideal" but it was our reality and I want it to be there for others to read without having to weed through our new stories.

All that said... check back here for family updates!!! :-)