Update!

I went in for an u/s with the high risk doctor on Tuesday. Everything continues to look well with Gatlin!!! Praise God! He is growing like he should be and right now weighs about 2 lbs. 11ounces. I think he is growing away. I, on the other hand, have not gained any weight the last 4 weeks. I'm eating though, I promise!

The high risk doctor said that unless somethign new arises, he won't need to see me again. I am hopeful that I will have normal remainder of the pregnancy and not need the high risk doctor any more.

I also did my glucose test on Friday. Still waiting for results from that, so we will see. I should be getting the news on Tuesday... which is my birthday! I hope it's good news.

Other than that, not too much to update!

Fear

This is a post I have been toying with writing for a while. First of all, let me say, all is looking good with Gatlin. Please forgive me for not updating after my last appt. His heart looks good and he is growing like he should be. All in all, dare I say he is healthy?

Fear is something I have been struggling with for sometime... years really. The ironic thing is my biggest fear, I think I mentioned this before of Maxton's blog, is that I will lose a loved one. This has already happened.... in a way, despite all the different scenarios I had played out in my head, I had never thought about losing a child. Yet, he came, blessed us with his existence, and then went home with God. It still hurts. Every day it hurts. And for those who say that time "heals" all wounds, I will disagree. Time heals nothing. God heals wounds, but the pain of missing sometimes stays and I can say that I don't think there will ever be a day when I do not think of his sweet face. Most of these days I smile, and think about what might have been... I am not bitter. I just miss my baby.

Alright, back to this topic of fear. Despite my best efforts, fear sometimes consume me. Which leads me to my struggle. I suppose I struggle with faith. My mind knows that God is God and God is good and at times my faith in that is strong. I know that God has good plans for me as stated in the bible (Jeremiah, I am fairly certain) but this earthly brain of mind continues to have trouble accepting that God's plan is always the best plan.... which leads to fear. I am so fearful that my idea of the best plan is not anywhere close to God's idea. I fear not being in control. I fear that something will go wrong with Gatlin. Sure, he is healthy... but there are so many what if's that at times I let them consumer me. What if he gets the cord wrapped around his neck? What if something happens during labor to me- or him? What is I lose my parents before he gets here? Surely God knows that I need them here with me? Right? But... God knew how much I needed, wanted, longed for my Maxton, and yet he still went home... who is to say that won't happen again- to Gatlin, David, my parents... me?

This fear at times consumes me... and most days I feel like no one understands. At least no one in my immediate life. If David is home 5-10 minutes late from work, my mind starts to wonder... what if? If Gatlin hasn't been kicking much, my mind starts to wonder. Why can't I simply trust that whatever happens, happens because it's God's best plan for me? I want to trust in this, but this stupid FEAR gets in the way.

The sermon at church this past week hit home. For me, it was about my obsession with fear and my lack of courage. The intro to the sermon was about the Wizard of Oz. i cannot say it as eloquently as our preacher, but I think the gist of it is that Dorothy, tin man, scarecrow, and the lion all had to work together to make it to the Wizard. They knew each others "issues" and got though their issues weren't the same, their goal was. To see the wizard. Well, my friends, my "issue" is fear. Like the cowardly lion, I am afraid.... of the unknown. So come, take this journey with me.

19 week appt.

On Tuesday, we went in to the high risk doctor (my first visit with him) to do an in depth scan and check for CDH. I also saw his nurse beforehand, and my regular doctor after, which made for a SUPER long day. My u/s appt. was at 12:30, but the actual u/s didn't start until 1:30! I didn't leave the hospital until almost 5:15!!!! It was crazy, but... a good day!

We found out Gatlin is def. a boy.... and he doesn't appear to have CDH!!!! His stomach was right where he was supposed to be and his heart was in the middle of his chest.. and there was a diaphragm separting the areas!!!

I was hoping to get the "all clear", but we still have to go back in 4 weeks on June 1st to have a scan to check Gatlin's heart to make sure it is all good. The doctor said everything he could see looked "good", but that they didn't get a good look at everything and he wants a better look. Also, my placenta was a little low.. not too concerning yet, but something they will be watching.

I am really starting to get excited about Gatlin coming! Don't get me wrong, I've been excited... but cautious. I am starting to get less cautious. :-) I am ready to get in his room and redo his nursery! Right now it is pink/geen with pink carpet, so we have alot of work to do!! Luckily, I only have 14 more days of school/work, then I will have some free time to fix Gatlin's room all up for him!

Gatlin also moves around ALOT. I feel like he moves more than Maxton did... but I am not sure. Maybe I don't remember Max moving too much.... I dunno. Anyways, that's the update...

Enjoy the pictures of our boy. He was so cute during the ultrasound. It lasted about 1 and a 1/2 hours and he was being super cute.... and refused to show his face. The tech kept trying to get pictures of it and he would always have his hand over it. :-) Here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure.



In this one, you can see his face/profile and his hand right over it. :-) Stubborn boy!





This is a front view of Gatlin;s face and you can see his arm of the left covering his eye..... he already hates pictures. hehe

A Sneak Preview

This is what I HOPE that Gatlin's room will look like. Of course, I want all the circles to be actual circles... but something like this. :-) This will be the wall behind his bed and the other walls will be the tan/brown without the dots. We are using construction bedding we had bought for Max, but it is the colors of the dots. I think it will look good and can't wait to start on.... but I do want to make sure it is indeed Gatlin in there. :-)

We go on May 4th for our CDH scan, so keep that date in mind. We will know then if they are thinking boy or girl... but I am betting still boy.

And it's a.....

BOY!!!!! Well, the tech is fairly certain it is a boy. Please let me know if you agree. :-)

If all continues to go well, Gatlin Grant Standifer will be born around mid-late September. We are very excited and I am already working on little things for the nursery. We are planning on using the bedding we had bought for Maxton. I am sure he would want to share with his little brother.

Family update!

Tomorrow it will have been 1 year since burying our first born. We miss him terribly. I am now 13 weeks pregnant and praying everything is fine with this baby. I feel like everything is fine and so far it has been. It's weird... I'm not too worried, yet still have trouble picturing myself bringing a baby home from the hospital. We are excited, yet scared. I'm sure those who have been in this position understand.

Anyways, we plan to use this blog as our life's adventure. I didn't want to continue to update about our new life on Maxton's blog. I want his story to be available for the new CDH families. I know his outcome wasn't "ideal" but it was our reality and I want it to be there for others to read without having to weed through our new stories.

All that said... check back here for family updates!!! :-)